Some Are Dead And Some Are Living

Do you know what today is? It's September 21 - one of the most important days of the year for me. Why? Because today is Luke's birthday. Today is one of the days where I have to force myself to get out of bed, to smile, to laugh, to breathe, to live. Today is a day where I get to remember the most important person in my life and be reminded of how he's not here anymore. I wish today were any other day. I wish I didn't have to know this date. I wish it meant nothing to me. But we can't all get what we wish for now can we?

I don't even know what to write. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I thought maybe this year would be different. It wasn't. I didn't get out of bed til 12:30. I didn't go to any classes. I force myself to talk to my friends. I mean, its been six years. Why am I still like this? Why does he still have this effect on me? Why does he still have such a strong hold over me? Why can't I just be normal, like everyone else? I mean, I know no one is "normal" or anything but they don't have to live with something like this. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be happy?

It's actually a pretty easy answer. It's because of the "what if." What if he was still alive? What would he look like? How would he act? Would he still be an addict? Would he be in college? Would he still love me? Would he still need me? I'm still alive. I look the same. I act differently but I think I'm still the same, deep down. I'm no longer an addict. I'm in college. I still love him. I still need him. How do I let go of someone who I need? It's like asking me to give up air. How am I supposed to give up something so natural? Because that's what he feels like to me. He feels like air. It's as if he was encoded into my genes. I can't let him go.

But I have to! I don't want to hurt anymore! I don't want to cry! I want to be happy! I want to live! I want to leave him because he left me! He left me here alone, with no one and nothing! Why?! Why did he do that?! Why wasn't I enough?! Why I couldn't he talk to me about this?! Why did he just have to go?! Why couldn't I go with him?

I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm just saying I miss him. I miss him more then anything in this world. I'd give anything to see him again even if it's just for a minute. I'd give up everything and everyone for him. That's even what I did. After he died, I stopped talking to all our old friends. I didn't go out. I hardly ate. I just sat there. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I didn't. I gave up everything because he did too. I may not have been physically dead but I was inside. A part of me still is. A part of me went insane that day and I think that part of me always will be. I'll never be the same. I can wish as hard as I can but nothing's going to change. He's still gone. I'm still alone. I'm not normal. I never will be. I can't be.

Happy Birthday Luke Vega.

I miss you.<3

R.I.P. 09.21.88-11.23.03

I dedicate these two songs to him. The first was his favorite:

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

The second is just for him:

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
Cause you know, you know, you know

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe in
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me...never let me go
Hold on to me...never let me go