What do you say when you don't feel the same way? How do you tell someone that your heart beats for another person? I mean, no one wants to hurt someone but is it possible to not to? Is it possible to go through life and never hurt someone? Even if i don't use the context of "life," is it possible to not hurt someone in this particular situation? How do you tell a person that you don't return their affection? It's impossible to not hurt someone in this situation because of that one word. It's the only word that everyone fears at one point in their lives: REJECTION!
How do you escape from that? I don't want to hurt this person. I don't want that word to pop up in their mind because I know that it is one of the worst feelings in the world. But at the same time, I don't want to lie and give false impressions. I don't want to be the hypocrite that I know I am deep down inside of me. But how could I possibly explain it all to him? How can I relive the hardest time of my life to spare someone's - someone I don't even really know - feelings? Truth is that I can't and that I won't.
It's a selfish fact - probably the most selfish fact about me - but it's the truth. I will not put myself through that amount of excruciating pain to help another. Is that bad? Is that wrong? Possibly. Probably. But in this case, I don't care. I don't relive that time with myself let alone someone else. I block it out and hide it away and unfortunately, I am going to continue to do that until I find that one person who can break through my shell and love me for what I am: broken.
You can judge me. You can hate me. You can call me a hypocrite because I deserve it but I have to do what I have to do. And I have to hurt you. I have to hurt you to not hurt myself. I have to hurt you to save myself. This is my farewell. It is my farewell to you. It is my farewell to this place. And it is my farewell to the life I have made here. My mind has been made up. I have decided. Today is the first day of my last days. Soon, I will begin an old life: my own. I just hope these people know that they have made a difference in my life and on who I am. I hope they understand why I'm doing this - why I need to do this. Thank you for everything. And I'm sorry that I've let you down. I wish you all the best in this world.
Farewell.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
And they say L.A. is the fakest city around?
You know, I've been trying not to blog because people told me that it's just like me talking about them behind their back and that made me feel bad but I've decided that I really don't give a fuck anymore. If you have a problem with my blog, then don't read it. It's not meant for you to read. It's meant for ONE person and one person ALONE so that they know how i'm doing and what's going on in my mind. If you have that big of a problem with it just don't read it! And if you continue to read it and give me crap about it, I'm not going to stop. I'll probably just get a new blog because quite frankly, there are too many people reading this that shouldn't be. And I shouldn't be in trouble for writing and trying to express my own thoughts considering I can't freely express them anywhere else. I should not be punished for speaking my mind and I'm not going to punish myself for it.
Anyways, on to the real reason for this blog. I'm really getting tired of people's excuses for their lack of consideration. For those of you who have had my blog since the beginning, you may remember the first blog i posted and it having to be about the lack of consideration some people have. If you look now, you'll notice that blog is not there. Why you ask? Because I deleted it because I didn't want people's feelings to be hurt and I felt bad for the things I said. I can see now that I was right the first time around. I can see now that my feelings in that blog were completely and 100% justifiable.
People in general are just so inconsiderate of others and it really pisses me off. Where I'm from, inconsideration is obviously not a trend. But I surrounded myself with good people who were considerate and then I come down here to San Marcos and I'm in a completely new place with people I don't know and I stupidly believe that I'll receive even an ounce of consideration. Boy was I wrong!
The worst thing about this is not how completely inconsiderate they are, it's how they always manage to have some excuse for it! And heaven forbid I say something back to them because then I just get ganged up on! And if I'm even the tiniest bit inconsiderate, I get shit for it! All my life this is how it's been up until I surrounded myself with those wonderful people I call my friends. I now know, that these people here will never join those ranks in my mind. I know that it is impossible. Want to know why? Simply put: because they try to change me. They're always trying to get me to change my ways. They're constantly telling me what I do wrong but never for a second do they turn the finger around and look at themselves. They think they have nothing wrong with them. They think their lifestyle is perfect and if something or someone [::cough::me::cough::] doesn't fit into their lifestyle, they do one of three things: 1) try and change it, 2) be completely evil to it or 3) ignore it. Well you know what? I don't care anymore!
You want to go ahead and talk crap about me?! Fine! You want to go ahead and ignore me?! Go ahead! I'm so tired of this bullshit and everyone being so fucking fake! I'm looking out for myself from now on. I am doing NOTHING for anyone anymore except myself. I can't wait to get the hell out of here and back to the people who really matter. Everyone says Los Angeles is the fakest city around and that no one there is real. Well, I beg to differ. That's the only place that I've found real people. I come down to San Marcos and am instantly drowned in everything and everyone artificial. I feel the need to escape to the "fakest city" just to breathe!
A word of advise to anyone reading this, stay true to yourself. Plain and simple. And if you're going to be fake to me in any way, don't talk to me. Just leave me alone forever. I really don't want you in my life. And I am NOT kidding when I said that. I really truly mean it. If you're going to be fake to me in any way, shape, or form, get the hell out of my life. The fucking end.
Anyways, on to the real reason for this blog. I'm really getting tired of people's excuses for their lack of consideration. For those of you who have had my blog since the beginning, you may remember the first blog i posted and it having to be about the lack of consideration some people have. If you look now, you'll notice that blog is not there. Why you ask? Because I deleted it because I didn't want people's feelings to be hurt and I felt bad for the things I said. I can see now that I was right the first time around. I can see now that my feelings in that blog were completely and 100% justifiable.
People in general are just so inconsiderate of others and it really pisses me off. Where I'm from, inconsideration is obviously not a trend. But I surrounded myself with good people who were considerate and then I come down here to San Marcos and I'm in a completely new place with people I don't know and I stupidly believe that I'll receive even an ounce of consideration. Boy was I wrong!
The worst thing about this is not how completely inconsiderate they are, it's how they always manage to have some excuse for it! And heaven forbid I say something back to them because then I just get ganged up on! And if I'm even the tiniest bit inconsiderate, I get shit for it! All my life this is how it's been up until I surrounded myself with those wonderful people I call my friends. I now know, that these people here will never join those ranks in my mind. I know that it is impossible. Want to know why? Simply put: because they try to change me. They're always trying to get me to change my ways. They're constantly telling me what I do wrong but never for a second do they turn the finger around and look at themselves. They think they have nothing wrong with them. They think their lifestyle is perfect and if something or someone [::cough::me::cough::] doesn't fit into their lifestyle, they do one of three things: 1) try and change it, 2) be completely evil to it or 3) ignore it. Well you know what? I don't care anymore!
You want to go ahead and talk crap about me?! Fine! You want to go ahead and ignore me?! Go ahead! I'm so tired of this bullshit and everyone being so fucking fake! I'm looking out for myself from now on. I am doing NOTHING for anyone anymore except myself. I can't wait to get the hell out of here and back to the people who really matter. Everyone says Los Angeles is the fakest city around and that no one there is real. Well, I beg to differ. That's the only place that I've found real people. I come down to San Marcos and am instantly drowned in everything and everyone artificial. I feel the need to escape to the "fakest city" just to breathe!
A word of advise to anyone reading this, stay true to yourself. Plain and simple. And if you're going to be fake to me in any way, don't talk to me. Just leave me alone forever. I really don't want you in my life. And I am NOT kidding when I said that. I really truly mean it. If you're going to be fake to me in any way, shape, or form, get the hell out of my life. The fucking end.
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