I Say I'm Fine But I'm Just Pretending

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep giving people the benefit of the doubt and then end up being hurt? I don't have a right to be hurt in this situation I guess but I am. I can't help that. I'm really hurt. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry but I'm trying so hard to be strong. I'm trying to not let it affect me because I don't get attached and I don't show emotions. But if that's the case, why am I so hurt? He wasn't even anything all that special. Yet he was. He didn't even care about me the way I cared about him. But that didn't stop me. He didn't even have the courage to tell me everything. He couldn't even come talk to me. So why do I still think about him? Why am I still hurt? Is it because of what she did? Is it because she was one of my best friends? No. He was never mine. He was always hers. Always. I think I knew that too but I tried to ignore it. I tried to ignore the fact that he was still completely in love with my best friend. I convinced myself that he was moving on. Oh how wrong I was.

Let's just be honest here. I mean, why can't I? It's not like anyone reads this. It's not like the people I want to see this ever will so let's be completely honest:

I'm pissed.

I feel hurt, betrayed, annoyed, frustrated, angry, etc. But you know what I feel the most? Unworthy. It's just like every other time. It's the same questions over and over again. "What's wrong with me?" "Why aren't I good enough?"

What's wrong with me?: Am I too fat? Too young? Too quiet? Too annoying? Too silly? Do I care too much? Why do I care so much? Why am I letting you both bother me? Why can't I just not care?

Why aren't I good enough?: What does she have that I don't? Why am I not a good enough friend? Why aren't I good enough to just be happy for you two? Why can't I just let it go and let you guys lead your lives?

I don't know. All I know is he doesn't care and she'll always choose him before me. At least, that's how I feel. Do I want them to be happy? Of course I do. But do I want enough to let them be together and hurt myself just so they could be happy? Apparently. I'm not sure I want to do that but I am.

Well, I'm trying.

I really am. I'm trying to not let it affect me. I'm trying to not cry. I'm trying to not hurt. I'm trying to not feel betrayed. I'm trying to not scream at him for hurting me. I'm trying to not yell at her for betraying me. Everyone makes mistakes and they're just trying to be happy. But why do I always have to end up for everyone's mistakes? Why do I have to be miserable for them to be happy?

It does affect me. I do cry. I am hurting. I do feel betrayed. I do want to scream at him but I know I'll just end up crying. I do want to yell at her but I know I'll just end up apologizing. I'm not really sure who I'm more angry at or upset by. Sometimes I think I'm more mad at him and then other times I find myself furious at her. I'm a human seesaw. I'm just a toy to play with. Is that all I'll ever be? It sure feels that way.

I wish I could show people this me. I wish I could go to someone, rest my head on their lap and just cry. I wish I could be so comfortable around someone to show them the complete, real, broken me. But I'm not. I'm not that girl. I'm not that person. I'm the one who covers her feelings, who pretends everything is okay, who acts as if nothing phases her. But things do phase me. A lot. The truth is that cover up all my emotions because I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know what to do in this situation. I don't know think I could ever speak to him again. I don't think I could ever trust her again. I'm not sure I want to see either of them ever again. I'm not so sure I could handle seeing them, especially together.

It doesn't matter. Life will go on. I will get over it. But right now, I'm hurt. And for once in my life, I'm going to let myself be hurt. I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to hide who I am. Who am I kidding? Who am I? I'm the girl that's perfect at hiding who she is. So I will hide it. I will smile and pretend like everything is okay. I will talk to them and act as if they are my friends. And I will go on as if life is perfect.

Just remember, it's all a lie.

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heart
I'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye