Me And My Pedestal

I really hate people who think too highly of themselves. Seriously, get over yourself. You're not the best thing since sliced bread. Like seriously, don't tell me you're going to make my day like you know you are. There are very few people that can make my day. You may make me smile or laugh but that does not mean you've made my day. Don't assume that you're an expert at reading people because I guarantee that you'll get the completely wrong impression of me. Also, just because I confide a little in you, does not make us best friends. Honestly, it doesn't even make us friends. So don't assume you know everything about me because if you think I've told you my "life story," you are sadly mistaken. No one knows everything about me and quite frankly I don't want anyone to.

But you know what really annoys me? When people put other people on a pedestal. Like seriously, they're not all that and cream cheese! I never noticed just how much this annoyed me until today when I was talking to the person who is currently sitting next to me, Seth. Do you know who he puts on a pedestal? Me. Why, I don't know but he does and it's so stupid! I started to think about it and [warning: this is going to sound a bit conceited] a lot of people put me on a pedestal. They meet me and think I'm so cool and then expect me to be some Greek goddess or something! Why can't people understand that I'm just a normal human being?! A bad one at that!

I mess up. I do! Pretty much every day I mess up. I lie. I curse. I don't believe in God. My past isn't a walk in the park. But that's it, isn't it? Once someone hears about my past they admire me so much because they think I've been through a lot. And I have, I'm not denying that but I'm not the only person in the world. There are people out there who have gone through much worse then I have so why do people have to think so highly of me? And then when the friendship or relationship turns bad, they can't let go! This always happens. I get really close to someone and then I get bored of them so we become distant and I find out a year later that they still think I'm their best friend! Just stop already!

I'm just a person. Just like you and your mom and some guy out there named Bob. I'm not the most hilarious thing in the world. I'm not the most random. I'm not the prettiest. I'm not the smartest. I'm just me. I'm just me trying to be me. So why is that so inspirational? And why do people find the need to be like me? Why do they copy me? Why can't they just be their own person instead of trying to be like me?

I'm not saying this to sound conceited. I'm saying this to try and wake some people up. Make them see that I'm nothing special. And I don't want to hear "Yes, you are!" or "You're special to me!" or "Everyone's special!" Don't feed me those bullshit lies. I know who I am - or at least, I'm starting to. And I'm fine with being no one special. Not everyone is is special. I guess what I'm trying to say is just be yourself. Don't try to be me and don't think that I'm the greatest person in the world. Don't think that of anyone!

Sure, there are people with words of wisdom that they'll say to you and you'll feel as though those words have hit home and you'll think "Whoa. This person is amazing!" Well, don't. That's the beginning. That's when you start putting people on that pedestal and it's wrong. You know how I know that? Because it's happened to me. Yeah, I'll say things that sound so profound and meaningful but most of the time they're just words. I don't believe them myself. Honest truth, I tell people what they want to hear.

Take Seth for example. We've been hanging out almost every day since I came home for Christmas break. If two strangers saw us, they'd think we were best friends but we're not. Truth is, this is the first time I'm seeing Seth since before freshman year in high school and I'm now a freshman in college. Truth is, contrary to what it looks like, I'm still very uncomfortable around him and I still don't trust him like I used to. He's part of my past. That past. The past I swore never to go back to. And hear is all of a sudden, trying to make a comeback into my life. And he is trying. I can see it. I can see that he wants to be friends with me and it's because he has me on his own personal pedestal. He's convinced that I'm such a great person. And when I tried to tell him otherwise today, he wouldn't listen. He insists on thinking that I'm wonderful.

But how could he know? He hasn't had any form of contact with me for about four years. I've changed so much in four years. I've changed so much in one year. How could he still think so highly of me when he doesn't even know who I am any more? And back when he did know me, I was a horrible person. I don't even like to think about that person I was because I hate her. Does he expect to find me still the same? And it goes the other way too. He's a different person now so can we really be like we were when we're both completely different from the people we used to be when we were inseparable? I'm letting him try, but I'm going to be honest, I don't think it's possible.

I don't want it to be possible.

Just A Dream

Sometimes I convince myself that it is all a dream. I go to bed at night and tell myself that it really didn't happen - that I'll wake up to you lying down next to me, wrapping your arms around me. Sometimes when I wake up, I can still fee that. I can feel your warmth and your breath on the back of my neck. It seems so real and I don't want to open my eyes because I know it'll go away. I know once I do, reality will sink in and you'll be gone forever once again. But I do. I open my eyes every morning and feel a new wave of pain ripping me open just like that first day.

How am I supposed to do this? Please, just tell me what to do. I can't keep living my life this way. I can't keep lying to everyone and to myself. I can't continue to try and ignore reality and embrace the pretend. Because that's what I've been doing for the past five years. You're the reason I lose myself in music and books. I need them to escape from this awful, painful reality that I live in. Maybe that's why I love acting so much. Because it gives me an escape and by playing a character's life, I don't have to live mine. I don't have to be in this constant agony. I don't have to force myself to get out of bed or put a smile on my face. I don't have to pretend to like the people around me only to have someone to distract me. I don't have to have every single thought in my head go back to you.

Why did you do this? Why wasn't I enough? You said I was. You promised you'd never leave me. You were the one person who never broke a promise to me. So why did you have to go and break the most important one?! Why did you have to go and take my heart and soul along with you?! If that was the case why didn't you just take all of me as well?! Why do I have to live here without you?! It's not fair! It's just not fair! I told you that I couldn't live without you and I meant it! I meant every word I said! I wasn't lying when I said I loved you so why did you have to lie to me?! If you truly loved me, you would never have left me! You would have realized that what you were doing was stupid! You would've stayed with me like you always promised you would!

I was reading New Moon for the millionth time and I came to the part that always made me realize that I do still have a heart because every time I read it, it would shatter all over again.

"You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest of blasphemy."

Will you really never come back to try and prove to me that I'm not dreaming? Will you ever come back to prove to me that you are here and that you do love me and that all the pain I've been feeling, you've been feeling too? Will you ever come back to erase that pain with those three simple words? Will you ever come back to make me whole again?

No, you won't. And what's worse is that in leaving me, you closed the door to anyone and everyone else. I want that true Edward and Bella love but even if I find someone like that, I'll never be able to fully give myself to them because I'm not whole. Because you broke me. Because you took the real me with you. Maybe you were my Edward Cullen. Maybe you were my Romeo. But it doesn't even matter anymore because you left and you never came back. You never wanted to come back.

I'm in love with a fictional character named Edward Cullen and I'm searching for someone to make me forget him. Unfortunately, that day will never come. Because I found my Edward Cullen and he left me. He left me with no Jacob Black to help put what little of me was back together. He left me in that darkness and in that darkness, I shall remain.

"Before you, Bella, my life was a moonless night. Very dark but there were stars - points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

There's still no more reason for anything in my life. I'm still blinded but my meteor hasn't come back to me. My sky will never be bright again and I can no longer see the stars.

It was two weeks after the day she turned 18
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passengers seat
Six pence in her shoe
Something borrowed,something blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn’t believe it
She heard the trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hands

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
I can’t even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song
That she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, And what could’ve been
And then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
I can’t even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
Ooh, I’ll never know
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream