Me And My Pedestal

I really hate people who think too highly of themselves. Seriously, get over yourself. You're not the best thing since sliced bread. Like seriously, don't tell me you're going to make my day like you know you are. There are very few people that can make my day. You may make me smile or laugh but that does not mean you've made my day. Don't assume that you're an expert at reading people because I guarantee that you'll get the completely wrong impression of me. Also, just because I confide a little in you, does not make us best friends. Honestly, it doesn't even make us friends. So don't assume you know everything about me because if you think I've told you my "life story," you are sadly mistaken. No one knows everything about me and quite frankly I don't want anyone to.

But you know what really annoys me? When people put other people on a pedestal. Like seriously, they're not all that and cream cheese! I never noticed just how much this annoyed me until today when I was talking to the person who is currently sitting next to me, Seth. Do you know who he puts on a pedestal? Me. Why, I don't know but he does and it's so stupid! I started to think about it and [warning: this is going to sound a bit conceited] a lot of people put me on a pedestal. They meet me and think I'm so cool and then expect me to be some Greek goddess or something! Why can't people understand that I'm just a normal human being?! A bad one at that!

I mess up. I do! Pretty much every day I mess up. I lie. I curse. I don't believe in God. My past isn't a walk in the park. But that's it, isn't it? Once someone hears about my past they admire me so much because they think I've been through a lot. And I have, I'm not denying that but I'm not the only person in the world. There are people out there who have gone through much worse then I have so why do people have to think so highly of me? And then when the friendship or relationship turns bad, they can't let go! This always happens. I get really close to someone and then I get bored of them so we become distant and I find out a year later that they still think I'm their best friend! Just stop already!

I'm just a person. Just like you and your mom and some guy out there named Bob. I'm not the most hilarious thing in the world. I'm not the most random. I'm not the prettiest. I'm not the smartest. I'm just me. I'm just me trying to be me. So why is that so inspirational? And why do people find the need to be like me? Why do they copy me? Why can't they just be their own person instead of trying to be like me?

I'm not saying this to sound conceited. I'm saying this to try and wake some people up. Make them see that I'm nothing special. And I don't want to hear "Yes, you are!" or "You're special to me!" or "Everyone's special!" Don't feed me those bullshit lies. I know who I am - or at least, I'm starting to. And I'm fine with being no one special. Not everyone is is special. I guess what I'm trying to say is just be yourself. Don't try to be me and don't think that I'm the greatest person in the world. Don't think that of anyone!

Sure, there are people with words of wisdom that they'll say to you and you'll feel as though those words have hit home and you'll think "Whoa. This person is amazing!" Well, don't. That's the beginning. That's when you start putting people on that pedestal and it's wrong. You know how I know that? Because it's happened to me. Yeah, I'll say things that sound so profound and meaningful but most of the time they're just words. I don't believe them myself. Honest truth, I tell people what they want to hear.

Take Seth for example. We've been hanging out almost every day since I came home for Christmas break. If two strangers saw us, they'd think we were best friends but we're not. Truth is, this is the first time I'm seeing Seth since before freshman year in high school and I'm now a freshman in college. Truth is, contrary to what it looks like, I'm still very uncomfortable around him and I still don't trust him like I used to. He's part of my past. That past. The past I swore never to go back to. And hear is all of a sudden, trying to make a comeback into my life. And he is trying. I can see it. I can see that he wants to be friends with me and it's because he has me on his own personal pedestal. He's convinced that I'm such a great person. And when I tried to tell him otherwise today, he wouldn't listen. He insists on thinking that I'm wonderful.

But how could he know? He hasn't had any form of contact with me for about four years. I've changed so much in four years. I've changed so much in one year. How could he still think so highly of me when he doesn't even know who I am any more? And back when he did know me, I was a horrible person. I don't even like to think about that person I was because I hate her. Does he expect to find me still the same? And it goes the other way too. He's a different person now so can we really be like we were when we're both completely different from the people we used to be when we were inseparable? I'm letting him try, but I'm going to be honest, I don't think it's possible.

I don't want it to be possible.