Just A Dream

Sometimes I convince myself that it is all a dream. I go to bed at night and tell myself that it really didn't happen - that I'll wake up to you lying down next to me, wrapping your arms around me. Sometimes when I wake up, I can still fee that. I can feel your warmth and your breath on the back of my neck. It seems so real and I don't want to open my eyes because I know it'll go away. I know once I do, reality will sink in and you'll be gone forever once again. But I do. I open my eyes every morning and feel a new wave of pain ripping me open just like that first day.

How am I supposed to do this? Please, just tell me what to do. I can't keep living my life this way. I can't keep lying to everyone and to myself. I can't continue to try and ignore reality and embrace the pretend. Because that's what I've been doing for the past five years. You're the reason I lose myself in music and books. I need them to escape from this awful, painful reality that I live in. Maybe that's why I love acting so much. Because it gives me an escape and by playing a character's life, I don't have to live mine. I don't have to be in this constant agony. I don't have to force myself to get out of bed or put a smile on my face. I don't have to pretend to like the people around me only to have someone to distract me. I don't have to have every single thought in my head go back to you.

Why did you do this? Why wasn't I enough? You said I was. You promised you'd never leave me. You were the one person who never broke a promise to me. So why did you have to go and break the most important one?! Why did you have to go and take my heart and soul along with you?! If that was the case why didn't you just take all of me as well?! Why do I have to live here without you?! It's not fair! It's just not fair! I told you that I couldn't live without you and I meant it! I meant every word I said! I wasn't lying when I said I loved you so why did you have to lie to me?! If you truly loved me, you would never have left me! You would have realized that what you were doing was stupid! You would've stayed with me like you always promised you would!

I was reading New Moon for the millionth time and I came to the part that always made me realize that I do still have a heart because every time I read it, it would shatter all over again.

"You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest of blasphemy."

Will you really never come back to try and prove to me that I'm not dreaming? Will you ever come back to prove to me that you are here and that you do love me and that all the pain I've been feeling, you've been feeling too? Will you ever come back to erase that pain with those three simple words? Will you ever come back to make me whole again?

No, you won't. And what's worse is that in leaving me, you closed the door to anyone and everyone else. I want that true Edward and Bella love but even if I find someone like that, I'll never be able to fully give myself to them because I'm not whole. Because you broke me. Because you took the real me with you. Maybe you were my Edward Cullen. Maybe you were my Romeo. But it doesn't even matter anymore because you left and you never came back. You never wanted to come back.

I'm in love with a fictional character named Edward Cullen and I'm searching for someone to make me forget him. Unfortunately, that day will never come. Because I found my Edward Cullen and he left me. He left me with no Jacob Black to help put what little of me was back together. He left me in that darkness and in that darkness, I shall remain.

"Before you, Bella, my life was a moonless night. Very dark but there were stars - points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

There's still no more reason for anything in my life. I'm still blinded but my meteor hasn't come back to me. My sky will never be bright again and I can no longer see the stars.

It was two weeks after the day she turned 18
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passengers seat
Six pence in her shoe
Something borrowed,something blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn’t believe it
She heard the trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hands

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
I can’t even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song
That she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, And what could’ve been
And then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
I can’t even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
Ooh, I’ll never know
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream