Writing about myself has never been the easiest thing for me to do. All my life I have been a very introverted person and have turned to sarcasm to keep people away. Since I began high school, my sarcasm has only gotten worse and I have retreated into myself more then ever. My friends constantly ask me why this is and I can never give them a straight answer because that would dig too deep into myself and into my past – a place I wish I never had to return to. However, I think my past tells the most about me and if read correctly, so does my sarcasm. Both must begin with the most important person that has ever been in my life, my best friend, Luke.
Luke was my best friend since birth, well, my birth. He was two years older then me but we’d grown up together thanks to the never breaking friendship of our mothers. Nothing could tear us apart and as the years passed, our bond just grew stronger. No one ever understood our relationship, not even our closest friends. It felt as though we needed each other and if we had to be torn apart, we couldn’t possibly function. I realize now that it really wasn’t that way and it was just built up in our minds but at the time, we felt like oxygen to each other. So I entered the fifth grade and my life began to get a bit more challenging. My grades began to slip and for the first time in my life, I was arguing with my parents and sister. Naturally, I turned to Luke for comfort. Little did I know, Luke was turning to alternative methods to relieve himself of stress: drugs and alcohol. How someone so young managed to get a hold of such items, I’ll never know. All I know is that he drew me into this other world that helped me escape from reality and all the problems that surrounded me.
The years passed and Luke and I only delved further into our substances of choice but we felt as though we were on the top of the world because we still had each other. Just as we always promised one another, we were still together and going strong or so I thought. Apparently I was the only one going strong. He never showed any indication that there was something wrong. The drug use had become so regular that it no longer registered as a warning in my brain. I was doing them and not thinking of worse ways to abuse myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t know the same didn’t apply to him. On November 23, 2003, Luke committed suicide. Little did he know, he was killing a part of me as well. The shock of his death jolted me from my daydream and made me realize that I was almost as messed up as him. Although I never had thoughts of suicide, I couldn’t be deemed any different then him. I used just as he did. I drank just as much. I followed him in everything he did but this was one act I refused to follow. I refused to be the encore to his final performance. I quit drinking and using. I stopped hanging out with my old friends whom I knew would only lead me back into that destructive world. I began to put some effort into my studies now that I had entered high school. I began to leave that old girl in the past and create an entirely new me.
However, I couldn’t ignore the fact that Luke was dead nor could I pretend that it didn’t have an effect on me. Although no one could tell, I wasn’t happy. I was constantly in pain. I constantly felt like bursting into tears at any given moment. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he was gone. I couldn’t face the realization that my whole world was taken from me and that I was alone. I wanted to be strong. I wanted everything to be fine. I wanted to be emotionless and not let this affect me. I thought I only wanted to give this image to everyone else but eventually I realized that I was lying more to myself then to everyone else but I still continued to try. I used my genetically inherited sense of sarcasm to keep others away from the real me. I had subconsciously promised myself that no one would touch that part of me because it would always be his. I would always be his. As a result of this twisted thinking, my sarcasm became so harsh that people began to get hurt by it but I constantly brushed it off saying that it was “who I was” and that I wouldn’t change for anyone. Eventually everyone seemed to get used to it. They seemed to accept me for “who I was” but little did they know that I wasn’t like that at all. Little did I know I wasn’t like that at all.
Life continued and my façade remained. I wish I could say it has changed but it hasn’t. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am screwed up and that it is only partially Luke’s fault. However, I still pretend to be a tough person when really I’m not. I still don’t let anyone in. I still feel as though I am his. I hope it will go away. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to know who I am exactly until I let him go. Unfortunately, I have yet to do that. In my mind, he is still the best of me. He’s still the one that I look up to and want to turn to. He’s still the one that I want here the most and he’s still the one who never will be. I wish I could describe who I am and give specific reasons to support that description. However, this one incident has altered my life so completely that I can’t even begin to describe who I am because I honestly don’t know. I skipped those years that are supposed to be used to begin the road to self-discovery. Now I have to start on that path later then usual but first I have to gain the courage to start. I have to start by letting go of the person who I’ve long thought has been the essence of who I am.
Compa
Once you'
Like an apple
I picke
I still
You said move on
Where
I guess
Is all I will know
Cause
I am think
Think
What you would
You were the one
Who was spend
Oh I wish that I
Was looki
You'
In the middl
Like a hard candy
With a surpr
How do I get bette
Once I've had the best
You said there
Tons of fish in the water
So the water
He kisse
I taste
He pulle
I was disgu
Cause
I am think
Think
What you would
You were the one
Who was spend
Oh I wish that I
Was looki
You'
And yes I do regre
How I could
Let you go
Now the lesso
I touch
Oh I think
Cause
I am think
Think
What you would
You were the one
Who was spend
Oh I wish that I
Was looki
Looki
Looki
Oh won'
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mista
Cause
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