I Just Want It Back

I just want it back! All of it! I miss my old life. I miss the really old days. I miss knowing who I am and who loves me. I miss knowing who to turn to. I miss not having to watch what I say and how I act around people. Most of all, I miss him.

I miss my best friend more then life itself. I thought I was finally moving on and getting over it but who was I kidding? No one but myself apparently. He was always there for me when I needed him. He always listened. He always comforted me. He never judged me. I could just be me when I was around him. Since he's left, I've lost sense of who I am at all. I want to know who I am. I want to be my best. Problem is that I'll never be able to be myself again. I was my best when I was with him and now he's gone forever. Five years later and I'm still crying over him. Because he was everything.

He was my everything.

Sure we messed up. Sure we did stupid stuff that we weren't supposed to. Sure we got in trouble all the time. But that didn't change us. That didn't separate us. No matter what, we had each other. And now what? Did I just waste all those years of my life? I know that I've cleaned up since he left but I'd rather be doing all that stupid stuff with him then being good without him. I need him. I don't know how I've gone on this long without him and I'm not really sure how much longer I can last.

How could someone so young take their own life? What would lead someone to do that? Those questions don't even matter to me anymore - only one does: Why wasn't I enough? He always said I was everything. He promised he would never leave me. He never broke a promise to me, until he went and did that, until he went and left me alone. Because that's what I am.

Alone.

At least that's how I feel. I've always felt that way since he left but being here, in this unknown place, with unknown people, I feel more alone then I ever have in my entire life and I don't know how to handle it. I'm trying to put on a good face. I'm trying to fake a smile. But I don't know how much longer I can go without cracking. I don't know how much longer I can go before I just break down. I have a feeling it's not much longer.

And these past days have really been wearing me down. First, the drama last night with what was said anonymously that no one will admit to. And now today, with this huge misunderstanding. I just wish it would all go away. I just wish I was happy.

I thought happiness was just supposed to come. I didn't know you had to try this hard. I didn't know happiness was just a dream. But it is. At least, for me it is. I was happy once. I was really happy once. But those days are long gone. They left. He took them with him. And he can never give them back to me. Because I can never have him again.

Never.

This song is for him:

Your love's a gathered storm I chased across the sky
A moment in your arms became the reason why
And you're still the only light that fills the emptiness
The only one I need until my dying breath
And I would give you everything just to
Feel your open arms
And I'm not sure I believe anything I feel

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here

And I'm trying to believe
In things that I don't know
The turning of the world
The color of your soul
That love could kill the pain
Truth is never vain
It turns strangers into lovers
And enemies to brothers
Just say you understand
I never had this planned

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here
Without you here
There's nothing more without you
Without you here

My head lies to my heart
And my heart it still believes
It seems the ones who love us are the ones
That we deceive
But you're changing everything
You're changing everything in me

And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here