I Can Survive With You By My Side

I like the late night / early mornings. I think they're my favorite part of the day [or night if you'd prefer to call it]. It's my time. Everyone else is asleep and I'm the only one awake. It gives me time to myself to just relax and be me. I can do whatever I want, without making too much noise of course. But it gives me a chance to unwind from the day the way I like to and it gives me time to think in peace and this is what I've thought about:

Basically, my day sucked. Although nothing terrible or dramatic happened, it was still one of the worst days so far because of my parents. No, this is not going to be about how they're ruining my life and how much I hate them. It's actually the complete opposite for once.

Many people know that I have a very... difficult relationship with my parents and throughout the years, it has only grown worse. Well, I'm happy to say that right now it is officially the best it has ever been in my entire life. However, I am sad to say that this is only because I have moved out. I didn't realize exactly how much I loved them until I lost them and now, being stuck in this place that I basically detest, I realize how important they are to me and today proved that to me even more.

I went home this weekend for the first time in about a month. I knew I had missed them. There wasn't a doubt in my mind about that. But when I got home and saw them, I literally almost started crying. I was so happy to see them and to be back home. However, today I had to leave them and even though I should've been happy that I had gotten to spend time with them, I was sad the entire day. I tried not to show it to them because I knew they were sad too and I didn't want to add to it. When the time came to say goodbye, I couldn't even look at them. I knew that if I looked at them, I'd start crying and it was taking every ounce of control and strength I have to keep from crying without looking at them.

Anyways, I managed to make it through my goodbyes without tears and came back to San Marcos. I was thinking about them all afternoon and then I saw a bulletin that my friend posted. Even though it wasn't a happy bulletin, in fact it was an angry bulletin, it still made me happy because I instantly knew who she was talking about and when I messaged her about it, she confirmed my thought. It was such a small thing but it made my day because that proved to me that we were closer then I thought we were. I knew what she was thinking without her even telling me and knowing that that connection was there was enough to brighten my spirits.

My friendship with this person actually confuses me because we are nothing alike and yet we're so similar. We want the same things in life and I think that is what has brought us together but aside from that we're about complete opposites. It baffles me to think that I could be close to someone who is so unlike me. But you know what? I don't care. I honestly don't care. She could be yellow and I could be green and I would still love her. I know she's always there for me and I know she cares and that's all that matters.

I know that me and her have a bond. It's a little bond, I'll admit that, but it's strong for what it is and I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep it. There are very few people in my life whom I can say are truly important to me but I would not hesitate for a second to say that she is one of them. I know this is someone I want in my life forever. She may be younger than me [or I may be older than her depending on how you look at it] and people may see it as weird that we're friends. But just because it's unconventional doesn't mean it's not real. And quite frankly, I don't give a shit what people think about our friendship. People are going to come in and out of both of our lives. Some may try and break us apart but I know that no matter what, our friendship will survive. How do I know that? Because we're us. Plain and simple. :)

She was given the world
So much that she couldn't see
And she needed someone
To show her who she could be
And she tried to survive
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
But I needed you to believe

You had your dreams I had mind
You had your fears I was fine
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
La dee da dee da

She was scared of it all
Watching from far away
And she was given a role
Never knew just when to play
And she tried to survive
Living her life on her own
Always afraid of the throne
But you've given me strength to find home

You had your dreams I had mind
You had your fears I was fine
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

She was scared unprepared
Lost in the dark
Falling apart
I can survive
With you by my side
We're gonna be alright
This is what happens
When two worlds collide

You had your dreams I had mind
You had your fears I was fine
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
La dee da dee da

You had your dreams I had mind
You had your fears I was fine
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
When two different worlds collide

The end.

Why can't people just keep their mouth shut? And why do people always turn words around?!

I'm so annoyed with trusting people and always getting fucked over. I am officially done with all this bullshit. I open up a little bit to someone and they go and turn my words around and publicize everything! What happened to trust?

Mine's gone. I trust no one.

You have no idea who you are but you hurt me more than anyone else has recently. I thought you were real. I thought you were someone I could trust. You said you were. You said you went through a whole bunch of stuff. But you're not. You're nothing to me now. Sure, I'll still hang with you. I'll still laugh with you. But never again will I trust you.

I should've just stuck to my instincts and not said anything. I should've stayed to myself. I should've just been the real me and not opened my mouth. Well, I've learned my lesson now and from now on, no one gets anything out of me. All this opening up bullshit is pointless. It just opens the door for humiliation, betrayal, and pain. And I'm done with all of that.

I'm done with thinking I have friends. I'm done with thinking that some people are good deep down inside because they're not. No one is good, myself included. Everyone should just stay to themself. But I'm not gonna tell people how to live.

I'm just gonna live my life the only way I know how - alone. I'm done with these tears and I'm done with this smile. From now on, I'll show the real emotion I'm feeling - numb. From now on, I'm going to stay numb. That way no one can get in and no one can hurt me. Never again will I trust anyone or shed a tear over anyone.

I'm done for good. The end.

I'm at home in the clouds and towering over your head

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick but I just feel... weird. I don't know how to describe it. The loneliness has definitely not gone away but now... I don't know. I think it's just completely overwhelmed me and now I feel somewhat numb. I feel like nothing really matters. I feel like I should be out living my life here in college but I just don't. I don't see a point. I feel like I'll never feel whole again. I don't know what to do about it though. I don't know how to make emotions flow through me again. Nothing seems to have consequence and no one seems to have substance including myself.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? I know I'm broken but so are so many other people and they lead normal lives. So why can't I? Am I destined to forever feel this way? To forever be different?

Well I don't want to be. Everyone thinks being different is so better. They think of it as "unique." But I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of not being able to relate to anyone. I just want to feel normal. I want to feel like a person. But I can't. And I don't know how to start.

What am I supposed to do? Talk out my feelings and problems to someone? No thank you. I don't need their pity or charity. I don't need to tell them things and then go behind my back and tell someone else "in confidence." They can't fix me because they don't understand. They can't understand. No matter how many times I explain it, no matter how many different words and adjectives I use, they will never understand. Am I forever doomed to be one of the "misunderstood"? I don't want that.

I want to be fine. I want to be understood. I want to be whole and fixed. But the only person that can fix me is me. But I'm so lost that I don't know how. I'm falling further and further into myself but I don't know how to stop. How do you stop being what comes so natural to you? Wouldn't that be considered "fake" if I just stopped. Even if it is, I'd probably do it. Unfortunately, I just can't.

I just can't bring myself to care. Will I ever be ok?

This is short and to the point.

I miss Aria Simone James. Period.

My day has officially been made. :)

So as most of you know, I haven't been in the best of moods lately. I have been feeling extremely lonely and depressed and just plain horrible. Well, I am glad to say that today I am feeling an extreme excess of happy emotions all because of one particular person. I may not live near her [or even in the same state]; I may not talk to her everyday or even as often as I used to; and I may never have met her in person before but I can honestly say that she is one of my closest friends and that I love her to death. Her name is of course Kristara Duran. She has totally made my day today. I have missed her greatly and I have finally talked to her today. I can honestly say I would trust this girl with my life. She is completely hilarious and can make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in. I am determined to one day fly to Oregon and meet her [and I will steal her Pasta Roni LOL!] Many people have told me that they like my taste in music and the bands I listen to but Kristara is the one who always tells me what to listen to. She is my musical guru and I thank her for that. One day she shall introduce me to all the famous people she has met throughout her life because despite her jokes, I know she loves me deep down inside. She i my master and she is brilliant and you should be jealous that you don't have her as a friend. I just needed to post this to let everyone know how awesome she is and how happy she has made me today. I canhonestly say she is one of my best friends. :)