I'm at home in the clouds and towering over your head

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick but I just feel... weird. I don't know how to describe it. The loneliness has definitely not gone away but now... I don't know. I think it's just completely overwhelmed me and now I feel somewhat numb. I feel like nothing really matters. I feel like I should be out living my life here in college but I just don't. I don't see a point. I feel like I'll never feel whole again. I don't know what to do about it though. I don't know how to make emotions flow through me again. Nothing seems to have consequence and no one seems to have substance including myself.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? I know I'm broken but so are so many other people and they lead normal lives. So why can't I? Am I destined to forever feel this way? To forever be different?

Well I don't want to be. Everyone thinks being different is so better. They think of it as "unique." But I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of not being able to relate to anyone. I just want to feel normal. I want to feel like a person. But I can't. And I don't know how to start.

What am I supposed to do? Talk out my feelings and problems to someone? No thank you. I don't need their pity or charity. I don't need to tell them things and then go behind my back and tell someone else "in confidence." They can't fix me because they don't understand. They can't understand. No matter how many times I explain it, no matter how many different words and adjectives I use, they will never understand. Am I forever doomed to be one of the "misunderstood"? I don't want that.

I want to be fine. I want to be understood. I want to be whole and fixed. But the only person that can fix me is me. But I'm so lost that I don't know how. I'm falling further and further into myself but I don't know how to stop. How do you stop being what comes so natural to you? Wouldn't that be considered "fake" if I just stopped. Even if it is, I'd probably do it. Unfortunately, I just can't.

I just can't bring myself to care. Will I ever be ok?