Just A Dream

Sometimes I convince myself that it is all a dream. I go to bed at night and tell myself that it really didn't happen - that I'll wake up to you lying down next to me, wrapping your arms around me. Sometimes when I wake up, I can still fee that. I can feel your warmth and your breath on the back of my neck. It seems so real and I don't want to open my eyes because I know it'll go away. I know once I do, reality will sink in and you'll be gone forever once again. But I do. I open my eyes every morning and feel a new wave of pain ripping me open just like that first day.

How am I supposed to do this? Please, just tell me what to do. I can't keep living my life this way. I can't keep lying to everyone and to myself. I can't continue to try and ignore reality and embrace the pretend. Because that's what I've been doing for the past five years. You're the reason I lose myself in music and books. I need them to escape from this awful, painful reality that I live in. Maybe that's why I love acting so much. Because it gives me an escape and by playing a character's life, I don't have to live mine. I don't have to be in this constant agony. I don't have to force myself to get out of bed or put a smile on my face. I don't have to pretend to like the people around me only to have someone to distract me. I don't have to have every single thought in my head go back to you.

Why did you do this? Why wasn't I enough? You said I was. You promised you'd never leave me. You were the one person who never broke a promise to me. So why did you have to go and break the most important one?! Why did you have to go and take my heart and soul along with you?! If that was the case why didn't you just take all of me as well?! Why do I have to live here without you?! It's not fair! It's just not fair! I told you that I couldn't live without you and I meant it! I meant every word I said! I wasn't lying when I said I loved you so why did you have to lie to me?! If you truly loved me, you would never have left me! You would have realized that what you were doing was stupid! You would've stayed with me like you always promised you would!

I was reading New Moon for the millionth time and I came to the part that always made me realize that I do still have a heart because every time I read it, it would shatter all over again.

"You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest of blasphemy."

Will you really never come back to try and prove to me that I'm not dreaming? Will you ever come back to prove to me that you are here and that you do love me and that all the pain I've been feeling, you've been feeling too? Will you ever come back to erase that pain with those three simple words? Will you ever come back to make me whole again?

No, you won't. And what's worse is that in leaving me, you closed the door to anyone and everyone else. I want that true Edward and Bella love but even if I find someone like that, I'll never be able to fully give myself to them because I'm not whole. Because you broke me. Because you took the real me with you. Maybe you were my Edward Cullen. Maybe you were my Romeo. But it doesn't even matter anymore because you left and you never came back. You never wanted to come back.

I'm in love with a fictional character named Edward Cullen and I'm searching for someone to make me forget him. Unfortunately, that day will never come. Because I found my Edward Cullen and he left me. He left me with no Jacob Black to help put what little of me was back together. He left me in that darkness and in that darkness, I shall remain.

"Before you, Bella, my life was a moonless night. Very dark but there were stars - points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

There's still no more reason for anything in my life. I'm still blinded but my meteor hasn't come back to me. My sky will never be bright again and I can no longer see the stars.

It was two weeks after the day she turned 18
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passengers seat
Six pence in her shoe
Something borrowed,something blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn’t believe it
She heard the trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hands

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
I can’t even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song
That she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, And what could’ve been
And then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
I can’t even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
Ooh, I’ll never know
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

The Best Thing Bout Tonight's That We're Not Fighting

What do you say when you don't feel the same way? How do you tell someone that your heart beats for another person? I mean, no one wants to hurt someone but is it possible to not to? Is it possible to go through life and never hurt someone? Even if i don't use the context of "life," is it possible to not hurt someone in this particular situation? How do you tell a person that you don't return their affection? It's impossible to not hurt someone in this situation because of that one word. It's the only word that everyone fears at one point in their lives: REJECTION!

How do you escape from that? I don't want to hurt this person. I don't want that word to pop up in their mind because I know that it is one of the worst feelings in the world. But at the same time, I don't want to lie and give false impressions. I don't want to be the hypocrite that I know I am deep down inside of me. But how could I possibly explain it all to him? How can I relive the hardest time of my life to spare someone's - someone I don't even really know - feelings? Truth is that I can't and that I won't.

It's a selfish fact - probably the most selfish fact about me - but it's the truth. I will not put myself through that amount of excruciating pain to help another. Is that bad? Is that wrong? Possibly. Probably. But in this case, I don't care. I don't relive that time with myself let alone someone else. I block it out and hide it away and unfortunately, I am going to continue to do that until I find that one person who can break through my shell and love me for what I am: broken.

You can judge me. You can hate me. You can call me a hypocrite because I deserve it but I have to do what I have to do. And I have to hurt you. I have to hurt you to not hurt myself. I have to hurt you to save myself. This is my farewell. It is my farewell to you. It is my farewell to this place. And it is my farewell to the life I have made here. My mind has been made up. I have decided. Today is the first day of my last days. Soon, I will begin an old life: my own. I just hope these people know that they have made a difference in my life and on who I am. I hope they understand why I'm doing this - why I need to do this. Thank you for everything. And I'm sorry that I've let you down. I wish you all the best in this world.

Farewell.

And they say L.A. is the fakest city around?

You know, I've been trying not to blog because people told me that it's just like me talking about them behind their back and that made me feel bad but I've decided that I really don't give a fuck anymore. If you have a problem with my blog, then don't read it. It's not meant for you to read. It's meant for ONE person and one person ALONE so that they know how i'm doing and what's going on in my mind. If you have that big of a problem with it just don't read it! And if you continue to read it and give me crap about it, I'm not going to stop. I'll probably just get a new blog because quite frankly, there are too many people reading this that shouldn't be. And I shouldn't be in trouble for writing and trying to express my own thoughts considering I can't freely express them anywhere else. I should not be punished for speaking my mind and I'm not going to punish myself for it.

Anyways, on to the real reason for this blog. I'm really getting tired of people's excuses for their lack of consideration. For those of you who have had my blog since the beginning, you may remember the first blog i posted and it having to be about the lack of consideration some people have. If you look now, you'll notice that blog is not there. Why you ask? Because I deleted it because I didn't want people's feelings to be hurt and I felt bad for the things I said. I can see now that I was right the first time around. I can see now that my feelings in that blog were completely and 100% justifiable.

People in general are just so inconsiderate of others and it really pisses me off. Where I'm from, inconsideration is obviously not a trend. But I surrounded myself with good people who were considerate and then I come down here to San Marcos and I'm in a completely new place with people I don't know and I stupidly believe that I'll receive even an ounce of consideration. Boy was I wrong!

The worst thing about this is not how completely inconsiderate they are, it's how they always manage to have some excuse for it! And heaven forbid I say something back to them because then I just get ganged up on! And if I'm even the tiniest bit inconsiderate, I get shit for it! All my life this is how it's been up until I surrounded myself with those wonderful people I call my friends. I now know, that these people here will never join those ranks in my mind. I know that it is impossible. Want to know why? Simply put: because they try to change me. They're always trying to get me to change my ways. They're constantly telling me what I do wrong but never for a second do they turn the finger around and look at themselves. They think they have nothing wrong with them. They think their lifestyle is perfect and if something or someone [::cough::me::cough::] doesn't fit into their lifestyle, they do one of three things: 1) try and change it, 2) be completely evil to it or 3) ignore it. Well you know what? I don't care anymore!

You want to go ahead and talk crap about me?! Fine! You want to go ahead and ignore me?! Go ahead! I'm so tired of this bullshit and everyone being so fucking fake! I'm looking out for myself from now on. I am doing NOTHING for anyone anymore except myself. I can't wait to get the hell out of here and back to the people who really matter. Everyone says Los Angeles is the fakest city around and that no one there is real. Well, I beg to differ. That's the only place that I've found real people. I come down to San Marcos and am instantly drowned in everything and everyone artificial. I feel the need to escape to the "fakest city" just to breathe!

A word of advise to anyone reading this, stay true to yourself. Plain and simple. And if you're going to be fake to me in any way, don't talk to me. Just leave me alone forever. I really don't want you in my life. And I am NOT kidding when I said that. I really truly mean it. If you're going to be fake to me in any way, shape, or form, get the hell out of my life. The fucking end.

I Can Survive With You By My Side

I like the late night / early mornings. I think they're my favorite part of the day [or night if you'd prefer to call it]. It's my time. Everyone else is asleep and I'm the only one awake. It gives me time to myself to just relax and be me. I can do whatever I want, without making too much noise of course. But it gives me a chance to unwind from the day the way I like to and it gives me time to think in peace and this is what I've thought about:

Basically, my day sucked. Although nothing terrible or dramatic happened, it was still one of the worst days so far because of my parents. No, this is not going to be about how they're ruining my life and how much I hate them. It's actually the complete opposite for once.

Many people know that I have a very... difficult relationship with my parents and throughout the years, it has only grown worse. Well, I'm happy to say that right now it is officially the best it has ever been in my entire life. However, I am sad to say that this is only because I have moved out. I didn't realize exactly how much I loved them until I lost them and now, being stuck in this place that I basically detest, I realize how important they are to me and today proved that to me even more.

I went home this weekend for the first time in about a month. I knew I had missed them. There wasn't a doubt in my mind about that. But when I got home and saw them, I literally almost started crying. I was so happy to see them and to be back home. However, today I had to leave them and even though I should've been happy that I had gotten to spend time with them, I was sad the entire day. I tried not to show it to them because I knew they were sad too and I didn't want to add to it. When the time came to say goodbye, I couldn't even look at them. I knew that if I looked at them, I'd start crying and it was taking every ounce of control and strength I have to keep from crying without looking at them.

Anyways, I managed to make it through my goodbyes without tears and came back to San Marcos. I was thinking about them all afternoon and then I saw a bulletin that my friend posted. Even though it wasn't a happy bulletin, in fact it was an angry bulletin, it still made me happy because I instantly knew who she was talking about and when I messaged her about it, she confirmed my thought. It was such a small thing but it made my day because that proved to me that we were closer then I thought we were. I knew what she was thinking without her even telling me and knowing that that connection was there was enough to brighten my spirits.

My friendship with this person actually confuses me because we are nothing alike and yet we're so similar. We want the same things in life and I think that is what has brought us together but aside from that we're about complete opposites. It baffles me to think that I could be close to someone who is so unlike me. But you know what? I don't care. I honestly don't care. She could be yellow and I could be green and I would still love her. I know she's always there for me and I know she cares and that's all that matters.

I know that me and her have a bond. It's a little bond, I'll admit that, but it's strong for what it is and I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep it. There are very few people in my life whom I can say are truly important to me but I would not hesitate for a second to say that she is one of them. I know this is someone I want in my life forever. She may be younger than me [or I may be older than her depending on how you look at it] and people may see it as weird that we're friends. But just because it's unconventional doesn't mean it's not real. And quite frankly, I don't give a shit what people think about our friendship. People are going to come in and out of both of our lives. Some may try and break us apart but I know that no matter what, our friendship will survive. How do I know that? Because we're us. Plain and simple. :)

She was given the world
So much that she couldn't see
And she needed someone
To show her who she could be
And she tried to survive
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
But I needed you to believe

You had your dreams I had mind
You had your fears I was fine
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
La dee da dee da

She was scared of it all
Watching from far away
And she was given a role
Never knew just when to play
And she tried to survive
Living her life on her own
Always afraid of the throne
But you've given me strength to find home

You had your dreams I had mind
You had your fears I was fine
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

She was scared unprepared
Lost in the dark
Falling apart
I can survive
With you by my side
We're gonna be alright
This is what happens
When two worlds collide

You had your dreams I had mind
You had your fears I was fine
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
La dee da dee da

You had your dreams I had mind
You had your fears I was fine
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide
When two different worlds collide

The end.

Why can't people just keep their mouth shut? And why do people always turn words around?!

I'm so annoyed with trusting people and always getting fucked over. I am officially done with all this bullshit. I open up a little bit to someone and they go and turn my words around and publicize everything! What happened to trust?

Mine's gone. I trust no one.

You have no idea who you are but you hurt me more than anyone else has recently. I thought you were real. I thought you were someone I could trust. You said you were. You said you went through a whole bunch of stuff. But you're not. You're nothing to me now. Sure, I'll still hang with you. I'll still laugh with you. But never again will I trust you.

I should've just stuck to my instincts and not said anything. I should've stayed to myself. I should've just been the real me and not opened my mouth. Well, I've learned my lesson now and from now on, no one gets anything out of me. All this opening up bullshit is pointless. It just opens the door for humiliation, betrayal, and pain. And I'm done with all of that.

I'm done with thinking I have friends. I'm done with thinking that some people are good deep down inside because they're not. No one is good, myself included. Everyone should just stay to themself. But I'm not gonna tell people how to live.

I'm just gonna live my life the only way I know how - alone. I'm done with these tears and I'm done with this smile. From now on, I'll show the real emotion I'm feeling - numb. From now on, I'm going to stay numb. That way no one can get in and no one can hurt me. Never again will I trust anyone or shed a tear over anyone.

I'm done for good. The end.

I'm at home in the clouds and towering over your head

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick but I just feel... weird. I don't know how to describe it. The loneliness has definitely not gone away but now... I don't know. I think it's just completely overwhelmed me and now I feel somewhat numb. I feel like nothing really matters. I feel like I should be out living my life here in college but I just don't. I don't see a point. I feel like I'll never feel whole again. I don't know what to do about it though. I don't know how to make emotions flow through me again. Nothing seems to have consequence and no one seems to have substance including myself.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? I know I'm broken but so are so many other people and they lead normal lives. So why can't I? Am I destined to forever feel this way? To forever be different?

Well I don't want to be. Everyone thinks being different is so better. They think of it as "unique." But I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of not being able to relate to anyone. I just want to feel normal. I want to feel like a person. But I can't. And I don't know how to start.

What am I supposed to do? Talk out my feelings and problems to someone? No thank you. I don't need their pity or charity. I don't need to tell them things and then go behind my back and tell someone else "in confidence." They can't fix me because they don't understand. They can't understand. No matter how many times I explain it, no matter how many different words and adjectives I use, they will never understand. Am I forever doomed to be one of the "misunderstood"? I don't want that.

I want to be fine. I want to be understood. I want to be whole and fixed. But the only person that can fix me is me. But I'm so lost that I don't know how. I'm falling further and further into myself but I don't know how to stop. How do you stop being what comes so natural to you? Wouldn't that be considered "fake" if I just stopped. Even if it is, I'd probably do it. Unfortunately, I just can't.

I just can't bring myself to care. Will I ever be ok?

This is short and to the point.

I miss Aria Simone James. Period.