Ode To Our Friendship.

I wrote this years ago. It was a school project and it's short but it says everything.

I was brought into this life

but you were already here

waiting at my side

like a nightstand

before I woke up.

Time went on and on

and like an owl's large eye

you were always there,

the perfect chocolate chip cookie.

When others were around,

you were no more than

a fierce lion's roar

and alone, you were

the perfect blend

of a crayon box.

All these memories

locked inside this book,

forever to remain there

because of what you took:

the shining light of heaven,

the comfort of my hammock.

All that remains

is the crumbled piece of paper

which holds all reason.

But because of what you have

with you six feet under

I throw the paper

to the devil

so that I can be a bird.

I Say I'm Fine But I'm Just Pretending

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep giving people the benefit of the doubt and then end up being hurt? I don't have a right to be hurt in this situation I guess but I am. I can't help that. I'm really hurt. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry but I'm trying so hard to be strong. I'm trying to not let it affect me because I don't get attached and I don't show emotions. But if that's the case, why am I so hurt? He wasn't even anything all that special. Yet he was. He didn't even care about me the way I cared about him. But that didn't stop me. He didn't even have the courage to tell me everything. He couldn't even come talk to me. So why do I still think about him? Why am I still hurt? Is it because of what she did? Is it because she was one of my best friends? No. He was never mine. He was always hers. Always. I think I knew that too but I tried to ignore it. I tried to ignore the fact that he was still completely in love with my best friend. I convinced myself that he was moving on. Oh how wrong I was.

Let's just be honest here. I mean, why can't I? It's not like anyone reads this. It's not like the people I want to see this ever will so let's be completely honest:

I'm pissed.

I feel hurt, betrayed, annoyed, frustrated, angry, etc. But you know what I feel the most? Unworthy. It's just like every other time. It's the same questions over and over again. "What's wrong with me?" "Why aren't I good enough?"

What's wrong with me?: Am I too fat? Too young? Too quiet? Too annoying? Too silly? Do I care too much? Why do I care so much? Why am I letting you both bother me? Why can't I just not care?

Why aren't I good enough?: What does she have that I don't? Why am I not a good enough friend? Why aren't I good enough to just be happy for you two? Why can't I just let it go and let you guys lead your lives?

I don't know. All I know is he doesn't care and she'll always choose him before me. At least, that's how I feel. Do I want them to be happy? Of course I do. But do I want enough to let them be together and hurt myself just so they could be happy? Apparently. I'm not sure I want to do that but I am.

Well, I'm trying.

I really am. I'm trying to not let it affect me. I'm trying to not cry. I'm trying to not hurt. I'm trying to not feel betrayed. I'm trying to not scream at him for hurting me. I'm trying to not yell at her for betraying me. Everyone makes mistakes and they're just trying to be happy. But why do I always have to end up for everyone's mistakes? Why do I have to be miserable for them to be happy?

It does affect me. I do cry. I am hurting. I do feel betrayed. I do want to scream at him but I know I'll just end up crying. I do want to yell at her but I know I'll just end up apologizing. I'm not really sure who I'm more angry at or upset by. Sometimes I think I'm more mad at him and then other times I find myself furious at her. I'm a human seesaw. I'm just a toy to play with. Is that all I'll ever be? It sure feels that way.

I wish I could show people this me. I wish I could go to someone, rest my head on their lap and just cry. I wish I could be so comfortable around someone to show them the complete, real, broken me. But I'm not. I'm not that girl. I'm not that person. I'm the one who covers her feelings, who pretends everything is okay, who acts as if nothing phases her. But things do phase me. A lot. The truth is that cover up all my emotions because I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know what to do in this situation. I don't know think I could ever speak to him again. I don't think I could ever trust her again. I'm not sure I want to see either of them ever again. I'm not so sure I could handle seeing them, especially together.

It doesn't matter. Life will go on. I will get over it. But right now, I'm hurt. And for once in my life, I'm going to let myself be hurt. I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to hide who I am. Who am I kidding? Who am I? I'm the girl that's perfect at hiding who she is. So I will hide it. I will smile and pretend like everything is okay. I will talk to them and act as if they are my friends. And I will go on as if life is perfect.

Just remember, it's all a lie.

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heart
I'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

Some Are Dead And Some Are Living

Do you know what today is? It's September 21 - one of the most important days of the year for me. Why? Because today is Luke's birthday. Today is one of the days where I have to force myself to get out of bed, to smile, to laugh, to breathe, to live. Today is a day where I get to remember the most important person in my life and be reminded of how he's not here anymore. I wish today were any other day. I wish I didn't have to know this date. I wish it meant nothing to me. But we can't all get what we wish for now can we?

I don't even know what to write. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I thought maybe this year would be different. It wasn't. I didn't get out of bed til 12:30. I didn't go to any classes. I force myself to talk to my friends. I mean, its been six years. Why am I still like this? Why does he still have this effect on me? Why does he still have such a strong hold over me? Why can't I just be normal, like everyone else? I mean, I know no one is "normal" or anything but they don't have to live with something like this. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be happy?

It's actually a pretty easy answer. It's because of the "what if." What if he was still alive? What would he look like? How would he act? Would he still be an addict? Would he be in college? Would he still love me? Would he still need me? I'm still alive. I look the same. I act differently but I think I'm still the same, deep down. I'm no longer an addict. I'm in college. I still love him. I still need him. How do I let go of someone who I need? It's like asking me to give up air. How am I supposed to give up something so natural? Because that's what he feels like to me. He feels like air. It's as if he was encoded into my genes. I can't let him go.

But I have to! I don't want to hurt anymore! I don't want to cry! I want to be happy! I want to live! I want to leave him because he left me! He left me here alone, with no one and nothing! Why?! Why did he do that?! Why wasn't I enough?! Why I couldn't he talk to me about this?! Why did he just have to go?! Why couldn't I go with him?

I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm just saying I miss him. I miss him more then anything in this world. I'd give anything to see him again even if it's just for a minute. I'd give up everything and everyone for him. That's even what I did. After he died, I stopped talking to all our old friends. I didn't go out. I hardly ate. I just sat there. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I didn't. I gave up everything because he did too. I may not have been physically dead but I was inside. A part of me still is. A part of me went insane that day and I think that part of me always will be. I'll never be the same. I can wish as hard as I can but nothing's going to change. He's still gone. I'm still alone. I'm not normal. I never will be. I can't be.

Happy Birthday Luke Vega.

I miss you.<3

R.I.P. 09.21.88-11.23.03

I dedicate these two songs to him. The first was his favorite:

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

The second is just for him:

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
Cause you know, you know, you know

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe in
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me...never let me go
Hold on to me...never let me go

The Essence of Me

This is a paper I wrote for a class of mine. It's not particularly eloquent or special but it's the first time I've ever truly opened up for something that other would see. Sure, I vent in this blog but I never say the specific details. Well, here are the specifics:

Writing about myself has never been the easiest thing for me to do. All my life I have been a very introverted person and have turned to sarcasm to keep people away. Since I began high school, my sarcasm has only gotten worse and I have retreated into myself more then ever. My friends constantly ask me why this is and I can never give them a straight answer because that would dig too deep into myself and into my past – a place I wish I never had to return to. However, I think my past tells the most about me and if read correctly, so does my sarcasm. Both must begin with the most important person that has ever been in my life, my best friend, Luke.

Luke was my best friend since birth, well, my birth. He was two years older then me but we’d grown up together thanks to the never breaking friendship of our mothers. Nothing could tear us apart and as the years passed, our bond just grew stronger. No one ever understood our relationship, not even our closest friends. It felt as though we needed each other and if we had to be torn apart, we couldn’t possibly function. I realize now that it really wasn’t that way and it was just built up in our minds but at the time, we felt like oxygen to each other. So I entered the fifth grade and my life began to get a bit more challenging. My grades began to slip and for the first time in my life, I was arguing with my parents and sister. Naturally, I turned to Luke for comfort. Little did I know, Luke was turning to alternative methods to relieve himself of stress: drugs and alcohol. How someone so young managed to get a hold of such items, I’ll never know. All I know is that he drew me into this other world that helped me escape from reality and all the problems that surrounded me.

The years passed and Luke and I only delved further into our substances of choice but we felt as though we were on the top of the world because we still had each other. Just as we always promised one another, we were still together and going strong or so I thought. Apparently I was the only one going strong. He never showed any indication that there was something wrong. The drug use had become so regular that it no longer registered as a warning in my brain. I was doing them and not thinking of worse ways to abuse myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t know the same didn’t apply to him. On November 23, 2003, Luke committed suicide. Little did he know, he was killing a part of me as well. The shock of his death jolted me from my daydream and made me realize that I was almost as messed up as him. Although I never had thoughts of suicide, I couldn’t be deemed any different then him. I used just as he did. I drank just as much. I followed him in everything he did but this was one act I refused to follow. I refused to be the encore to his final performance. I quit drinking and using. I stopped hanging out with my old friends whom I knew would only lead me back into that destructive world. I began to put some effort into my studies now that I had entered high school. I began to leave that old girl in the past and create an entirely new me.

However, I couldn’t ignore the fact that Luke was dead nor could I pretend that it didn’t have an effect on me. Although no one could tell, I wasn’t happy. I was constantly in pain. I constantly felt like bursting into tears at any given moment. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he was gone. I couldn’t face the realization that my whole world was taken from me and that I was alone. I wanted to be strong. I wanted everything to be fine. I wanted to be emotionless and not let this affect me. I thought I only wanted to give this image to everyone else but eventually I realized that I was lying more to myself then to everyone else but I still continued to try. I used my genetically inherited sense of sarcasm to keep others away from the real me. I had subconsciously promised myself that no one would touch that part of me because it would always be his. I would always be his. As a result of this twisted thinking, my sarcasm became so harsh that people began to get hurt by it but I constantly brushed it off saying that it was “who I was” and that I wouldn’t change for anyone. Eventually everyone seemed to get used to it. They seemed to accept me for “who I was” but little did they know that I wasn’t like that at all. Little did I know I wasn’t like that at all.

Life continued and my façade remained. I wish I could say it has changed but it hasn’t. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am screwed up and that it is only partially Luke’s fault. However, I still pretend to be a tough person when really I’m not. I still don’t let anyone in. I still feel as though I am his. I hope it will go away. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to know who I am exactly until I let him go. Unfortunately, I have yet to do that. In my mind, he is still the best of me. He’s still the one that I look up to and want to turn to. He’s still the one that I want here the most and he’s still the one who never will be. I wish I could describe who I am and give specific reasons to support that description. However, this one incident has altered my life so completely that I can’t even begin to describe who I am because I honestly don’t know. I skipped those years that are supposed to be used to begin the road to self-discovery. Now I have to start on that path later then usual but first I have to gain the courage to start. I have to start by letting go of the person who I’ve long thought has been the essence of who I am.


Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay

My Farewell To You

This is the probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write. This is my farewell to you, my best friend here. I thought you were someone I could relate to. I thought we were close. I see now that I our bond was not so strong. I didn't know something so little, so trivial, could tear us down. I see now that you're not the on I thought you to be.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make this any easier. If anything, my heart aches more. I wish there was something I could do or something I could say but I know it will not fix what's in our way. You may be the one physically leaving but I'll be the one that's gone. You'll never be around to see it but just know that it's happening. I feel it now, sitting a few seats from you. This distance will only grow bigger but for me, it will not be just from you.

It will be from everyone.

I wish it didn't have to be this way but I can't take this constant pain. Because of that, this shall be my farewell to you and to everyone. You will probably never read this, you will probably never know because you don't want to speak to me. I don't understand why but I shall learn to accept it. I've been told not to take this personally but that's impossible for me to do. If I could take it all back, I probably would but maybe it's best.

Maybe we're not meant to be friends. Maybe it would be best if we hadn't met but I can't bring myself to regret the fact that we have. When I look back, I will remember all the good times but of course, my mind will then snap back to this - our tormented parting and the sadness that overwhelms me now, and the tears that continually consume my eyes will both reappear again but most of all the horrible, aching, tearing pain in my heart will rip the wound open again and it will feel as though no time has passed and as though the slash had never healed.

It probably won't be the same for you. You may look back and wish you'd never met me or you may feel nothing at all. Maybe even worst of all, you won't think back on this time at all. Just know, that I shall never forget nor will I regret. You have helped me through some difficult times and it hurts to know that you are not here to help me through this, the hardest of them all and that you will not be here to continue to help me after the initial impact is over and the aftermath occurs. You may not think back on me or my pain but you shall cross my mind everyday.

I will wonder if you care or if this causes you pain. I will wonder what you tell your friends, new roommates, and parents about me. I will wonder if you mean those words. I will wonder if you meant any of the ones you said to me before all this trouble. I will never ask you though. I don't have the courage to confront you. I don't have the will-power to not let these dams loose if I were to speak to you.

Most of all, I don't have the strength to watch you walk away - no matter what I say - because if that were to happen, what little protection I have will fail. My walls will crumble along with my spirit and that will be the final blow. I will fall and I'm afraid that I won't survive such a drop. With this, I must force myself to stop. I must have the will to say goodbye And so I say to you, the one whom I thought myself to be so close with, farewell and I wish you all the best that you no longer desire to share with me.

Farewell.

Update: Please don't ask me what happened. It has been resolved but I liked what I wrote and I needed it to be said.

Ally Can Just Die

Yes, I am actually going to write about a specific person and say her name only because she knows about it and is literally sitting right next to me. But no lie, she can die. She's making me watch Jaws.

FREAKING JAWS!

She knows I'm deadly afraid of sharks and she won't let me leave! We literally just screamed because the fucking shark just popped out of the water! Omfg! What the fuck is she thinking making me watch this!!

Oh no! Oh crap! It's back!!! Why are they just standing there?! Run idiots run!!! They're going to die! They're all going to die!!

I'm going to murder Ally. Seriously, anyone who knows her, say goodbye because she will not be alive much longer. I mean, I know this is fake but anyone who knows me knows that I get freaked out at the smallest thing.

Wow. These guys need to learn how to aim. Okay, yeah, these guys are going to die. There's no question about it. Anyways, back to my rant about Ally. She's about to die in about 0.24 seconds for making me watch this. I'm going to find a gun and shoot her about 5 million times because she's evil, just pure evil.

Holy crap! This shark is a genius! What the eff Ally?! Why did you just tell me that there was a major shark attach not too far from here?! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?! Seriously?! I'm never going in the ocean again. Not that I like the ocean before but now it is definitely a no - no!

Holy fucking crap! That shark is a beat! He's just a fucking monster!!! He's like the size of my apartment!! Fuck you Ally! Fuck you!!! Can I die now?! Seriously, can I just die that way I don't have to watch this movie anymore?! What the fuck?! The fucking shark is chasing them! What the fuck?!

Holy shit fuck!!! Why is he going down in a cage with the shark?! Is he just plain stupid?!?! Does he have a death wish?!?!? Holy crap! That shark is huge!!! That's it. I'm done with the ocean for life. This thing is breaking the boat!!! The boat is tipping over!!

AHHHHH!!!! IT JUST ATE ONE OF THEM AND THEY SHOWED THE WHOLE FREAKING THING!!! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME?!?!

Oh my lord. I think it's dead. I think one of the guys just killed it. Oh wait, no! No! It's coming back! Run fool run!!! Oh my god!! Ahh! Stap that thing! Stab it!!! You have a gun?! Why didn't you just shoot him in the first place?!

AHHHH!!!! It exploded! He shot the tank in it's mouth and it exploded!!! Oh my fucking god. I just had a massive stroke. Oh lord. I think I can breathe again.

As i said before, fuck you Ally, fuck you! I am never letting you force me into watching another one of these fucking movies again. You can live for now but if you do this to me again, I swear, I will beat you to a pulp until you die.

Fin.

Me And My Pedestal

I really hate people who think too highly of themselves. Seriously, get over yourself. You're not the best thing since sliced bread. Like seriously, don't tell me you're going to make my day like you know you are. There are very few people that can make my day. You may make me smile or laugh but that does not mean you've made my day. Don't assume that you're an expert at reading people because I guarantee that you'll get the completely wrong impression of me. Also, just because I confide a little in you, does not make us best friends. Honestly, it doesn't even make us friends. So don't assume you know everything about me because if you think I've told you my "life story," you are sadly mistaken. No one knows everything about me and quite frankly I don't want anyone to.

But you know what really annoys me? When people put other people on a pedestal. Like seriously, they're not all that and cream cheese! I never noticed just how much this annoyed me until today when I was talking to the person who is currently sitting next to me, Seth. Do you know who he puts on a pedestal? Me. Why, I don't know but he does and it's so stupid! I started to think about it and [warning: this is going to sound a bit conceited] a lot of people put me on a pedestal. They meet me and think I'm so cool and then expect me to be some Greek goddess or something! Why can't people understand that I'm just a normal human being?! A bad one at that!

I mess up. I do! Pretty much every day I mess up. I lie. I curse. I don't believe in God. My past isn't a walk in the park. But that's it, isn't it? Once someone hears about my past they admire me so much because they think I've been through a lot. And I have, I'm not denying that but I'm not the only person in the world. There are people out there who have gone through much worse then I have so why do people have to think so highly of me? And then when the friendship or relationship turns bad, they can't let go! This always happens. I get really close to someone and then I get bored of them so we become distant and I find out a year later that they still think I'm their best friend! Just stop already!

I'm just a person. Just like you and your mom and some guy out there named Bob. I'm not the most hilarious thing in the world. I'm not the most random. I'm not the prettiest. I'm not the smartest. I'm just me. I'm just me trying to be me. So why is that so inspirational? And why do people find the need to be like me? Why do they copy me? Why can't they just be their own person instead of trying to be like me?

I'm not saying this to sound conceited. I'm saying this to try and wake some people up. Make them see that I'm nothing special. And I don't want to hear "Yes, you are!" or "You're special to me!" or "Everyone's special!" Don't feed me those bullshit lies. I know who I am - or at least, I'm starting to. And I'm fine with being no one special. Not everyone is is special. I guess what I'm trying to say is just be yourself. Don't try to be me and don't think that I'm the greatest person in the world. Don't think that of anyone!

Sure, there are people with words of wisdom that they'll say to you and you'll feel as though those words have hit home and you'll think "Whoa. This person is amazing!" Well, don't. That's the beginning. That's when you start putting people on that pedestal and it's wrong. You know how I know that? Because it's happened to me. Yeah, I'll say things that sound so profound and meaningful but most of the time they're just words. I don't believe them myself. Honest truth, I tell people what they want to hear.

Take Seth for example. We've been hanging out almost every day since I came home for Christmas break. If two strangers saw us, they'd think we were best friends but we're not. Truth is, this is the first time I'm seeing Seth since before freshman year in high school and I'm now a freshman in college. Truth is, contrary to what it looks like, I'm still very uncomfortable around him and I still don't trust him like I used to. He's part of my past. That past. The past I swore never to go back to. And hear is all of a sudden, trying to make a comeback into my life. And he is trying. I can see it. I can see that he wants to be friends with me and it's because he has me on his own personal pedestal. He's convinced that I'm such a great person. And when I tried to tell him otherwise today, he wouldn't listen. He insists on thinking that I'm wonderful.

But how could he know? He hasn't had any form of contact with me for about four years. I've changed so much in four years. I've changed so much in one year. How could he still think so highly of me when he doesn't even know who I am any more? And back when he did know me, I was a horrible person. I don't even like to think about that person I was because I hate her. Does he expect to find me still the same? And it goes the other way too. He's a different person now so can we really be like we were when we're both completely different from the people we used to be when we were inseparable? I'm letting him try, but I'm going to be honest, I don't think it's possible.

I don't want it to be possible.